You’re thinking too much, you’re stressed, and you’re possibly making bad comparisons about where you think you should be at versus where you are.
Think about it this way:
White – Green: Beginner
Blue – Red: Intermediate
Red – Black: Advanced
Blue Belt is the transition period, the beginning of the intermediate belt ranks, where everything starts to get harder. You take on more responsibility (in your case teaching), you’re asked to commit more time, and the techniques become more complicated. You’re stepping out of the honeymoon stage and starting to realize how little you actually know. It’s just like writing actually, where you write a story, fall in love with it, think it’s the best thing ever, then you come back three to six months later and all you see are the flaws. Right now, you’re in the flaws stage. You aren’t as good as you thought you were. That’s okay.
More importantly, that’s normal.
So, take a step back and breathe.
Your instructors wouldn’t have you demonstrate for the lower belt ranks if they thought your technique was shit. If they thought your technique was shit, they’d tell you. Trust me.
They’re asking you to demonstrate because you’re an assistant and they like your technique. Your technique is where it’s supposed to be at for your rank (or it could be better). They have a better objective view of you than you do. Objectivity is good.
This is where I say that you’re thinking too much. You are so focused on doing it right that you’re forgetting to do it. Like most martial arts, Taekwondo at the higher levels is actually based in muscle memory. The more you do, the less you think. You perform the repetitions enough times that you don’t have to think about it, your body knows. You perform better when you’re relaxed. All that worry and confusion is sneaking in, and it’s making your technique worse because you keep trying to force it. Then, you punish yourself for not doing it right and it becomes a vicious cycle.
This is even more important when it comes to forms. If you can do it in class, then you can do it in the test. So, relax. Breathe deeply. Trust yourself. Your body knows what to do. Or, the actual Star Wars line I like for this, “Let go of your conscious self and act on instinct”. Turn off your inner critic.
Your head is what’s tripping you up here. So, let go of everything else. Stress. Fear. Worry. Or any of the parts which give you trouble. Focus on doing. Think of it like moving meditation, let there be nothing happening upstairs.
1) Ask your instructors what you can do to improve. They know you and your technique better than I do.
2) If you’re breaking down and crying because you think your technique is no good, then maybe it’s time to move back to a less stressful position. Tell your teachers about your problem and ask that they maybe call on someone else for a little while. No shame in that. Honest communication between you and your instructors about your mental state is important. You may not be ready for the responsibility and stress that comes with teaching. That’s okay. Teaching is stressful. More than that, it’s a learning experience.
3) Re-evaluating your technique while passing it on is supposed to happen. That’s normal. We teach because it helps us become better. The first step is recognizing the issues. The second is acceptance that we aren’t what we thought we were. The third is patience. Improvement happens slowly, gradually, inch by inch. Be patient with yourself. You aren’t going to be equal to your instructors tomorrow. They and the older students been doing this longer than you. Forgive your mistakes. Focus on the technique itself, on what you can do to become better rather than chastising yourself for not being good enough.
We’ve all been where you are. We were all white belts once. We all had terrible technique once. (Some of us still do.) We all thought we had terrible technique when our technique was actually kind of awesome. (Some of us still do.) We’ve all suffered from fear and feelings of inadequacy. (Some of us still do.)
Keep working at it. Be positive. Trust yourself. You will be better.
Giving back to your community is important, but not if it’s driving you to a mental breakdown. Your health what is most important here and if your teachers can’t or won’t see that, then that’s not your issue. It’s theirs. You may need to find another school. However, I’m sure that if they know the extent to which this is troubling you that they’ll be more than happy to help. Think about focusing on just being a blue belt.
Give yourself time to adjust. Your at the beginning of a journey that may last your entire life. So, no need to rush. We all travel at our own pace.
Remember, this is supposed to be fun.
No, I mean it. Smile. Are you smiling? Good.
You’re doing just fine.